I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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