and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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