i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
