So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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