I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
