So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
