we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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