I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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