that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
