I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
