im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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