Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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