I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
