He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize