Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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