My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
