Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
