So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
