What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
