Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
