You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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