eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
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How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize