No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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