i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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