he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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