I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
