Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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