I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
