....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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