the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
