k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
