I need to stop coming to work sober
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
