I wish my penis had an off switch
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
