Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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