He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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