you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
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We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
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Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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