if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
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