I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
