i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
