I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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