Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
