My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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