This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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