i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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