Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
