So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
