FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
