I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
