can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
