Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
