Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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