She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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