I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
