she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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