i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
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she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
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Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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