I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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